The Rakes

There are moments that you expect are going to be hard.  The 5th of every month.  The first holidays.  Going back to Children's for the first time.  There is so much anticipation associated with those events...so much hype and emotion, that they often aren't as bad as you anticipate.  And then there are the rakes.

Another mom explained the rakes as those moments that slap you upside your face out of nowhere, like stepping on a rake that you didn't see on the ground.  The rakes take your breath away.  Actually, they do more than that.  They stop you right in your tracks....your heart skips a beat.  You are caught completely off guard.  There no preparing for the rakes.

The rakes have been non-stop recently.  Earlier this week I heard something about creatinine levels on TV and immediately thought "Oh, I need to call Cory to see if Mathew's creatinine level came down with his last blood draw."  The next day something made me think of a friend of Matthew's who was going to move to Oregon.  I thought "I'll have to ask Matthew after school if he moved or not."  It's as if I actually forgot that he died for a moment...and that moment that you remember he's gone- THAT is the rake.  The breath that's taken away is followed by a deep sigh...and tears.

For Christmas Steve got me a gift card to a car wash.  The inside of my car hadn't been washed since before Matthew died...and it showed.  Last week I took my gift card, and filthy car, to the car wash.  It looked so nice and clean as it rolled out of the car wash and it was shining as I sat down inside.  And then it hit me.  The crumbs that were on Matthew's side of the car...the candy wrappers...the finger smeared windows- it was all gone.  I'm pretty sure I was the only one who left the car wash sobbing that day. 

As I was cooking dinner this week I was thinking about Matthew's friends and his classmates.  It hit me then that they are 5th graders and will go to middle school next year...and I won't see them at school any more.  My heart sank.  They are a connection to him- and they are going to middle school....and Matthew isn't.

Today I opened up my jury summons.  Thankfully I've been excused since Matthew was diagnosed.  I was completing the questionnaire and I got to the "number of children" question.  I was frozen.  I just stared at it....and then lost it.  Huge rake.  After I contemplated the definition of purgery, I decided to write "2."  Under the ages I wrote "9 and deceased."  Then I fixed a drink. 

This week of rakes has been brutal.  One or two is manageable, but it's like I can't catch a break this week.  I allowed myself Wednesday to just "be" while Megan was at school.  No expectation for that time, no commitments- just a Lifetime movie and yoga pants.  I don't know that it helped anything, but I felt like it's what I needed for just a few hours.  I'm told that the rakes get better with time.  There are less of them and they don't hurt quite so bad.  For now, I'll continue to duck and swerve and hopefully dodge just a few of them.

With Matthew in my Heart....Nikki