Each of those measurements of time are how long Matthew's been gone.
So, what does 2 months feel like? This morning if felt oddly numb. Surreal almost. By 11 AM it felt like sobbing in a grocery store parking lot. By Noon it felt like a throbbing headache. And now, at 3 pm, it's isolating.
I've never been impressed with anniversaries. Honestly, I don't love Steve any more the day before our anniversary than I do on our wedding anniversary. To me, the other 364 days in the year are more important than that one day. It's not like you can pay zero attention to your marriage all year long and then make a big deal of your anniversary and expect to have a successful marriage. Our anniversaries are like any other day. Since Matthew started playing baseball at the age of 4, our anniversary has usually been spent at the ball park and honestly, I can't think of any better way to spend it. Last year, Steve bought me a hot dog on our wedding anniversary. Perfection.
I haven't decided how I feel about these death anniversary dates. Part of me hates them, because it's quantifying the fact that the last time we saw Matthew is getting farther and farther away. I think that is the worst part for me. I don't feel like I miss him any more today than I did yesterday, or last week. The pain is mostly the same every day. Sure, there are the fluke days that are really hard and there are days that are easier, but I don't feel like the 5th of each month hurts any worse than the 15th, or the 28th. It's not as if I need a reminder that Matthew died. In a way, these death anniversaries are much like wedding anniversaries...unimpressive to me. Maybe there will be a 5th of the month that I won't think "today is x months since Matthew died." Maybe. I don't know.
These two months have been interesting, to say the least. Dr. Mood warned us many times about "the people in the periphery." She worried about them and how we would handle those interactions. I wish I could tell you that she was wrong to worry...but I've learned she seldom is.
I wish that I could say that relationships have remained the same as they were in the care giving period, but they haven't. People have said the wrong things. They have said nothing. Some people have disappeared. Fellow cancer friends told me "you'll be amazed that the people who you thought would be there for you aren't and the people you least expect to be there will step up like you won't believe." For the most part, that's really true. Hard to believe, but true.
These two months have been filled with lots of tears and lots of smiles and laughs too. We talk about Matthew daily. He's a part of practically every conversation we have. These two months have also been filled with some wonderful signs from Matthew and some reassuring and comforting words from my first ever visit with a medium.
So tonight, as we know that our sweet boys spirit is with us always, we will honor him by eating salmon. Not just ANY salmon, but the salmon that he and Steve caught in early October.
I love you all the way to the moon and back my sweet boy....
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