A wife in our on-line support group posted a question last week about how to handle all of her husband's family wanting to spend their time with him in his last days and her trying to balance that with her need for privacy and his wishes for his final days. My reply to her was swift and sure, encouraging her to do what SHE felt was right. No regrets.
It got me thinking though....about regrets. I have very few regrets about our time after Matthew was diagnosed. The few regrets I have are simple. I wish I had taken more pictures and video. I wish we had postponed his Make A Wish trip so that he was feeling stronger and was more able to enjoy it. That's it, until we get to the last weeks of his life.
I don't have regrets about how he was treated medically in the last weeks. My brain and my heart know that he was comfortable and that we took care of him better than any hospital could have. Our choice to keep him at home with help from hospice was the perfect choice for him.
In my do over, I would ask for more help. We had so many people offering to help us but I didn't know what we needed. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. I would lean on my friends more for support. I would be more firm about who was involved in his last weeks. If you haven't been involved in Matthew's life for the past 11 years, this is NOT your golden ticket to show up now, once his days are limited. Keeping the peace would not be my priority.
Regrets are a funny thing. Whose to say that if I had a do-over, 4 months from now I wouldn't still have regrets. There are no guarantees. My feeling is that no matter how perfectly I thought I did things, time would always change my perspective and I would always want a do-over.
What I wouldn't change about Matthew's last weeks are the love that we shared. Much like when he was a newborn baby, we took complete care of him. That involved getting up a few times each night to give him meds and re-position him. That left us tired during the days. After he died, I found these pictures on Steve's phone. I never knew that he had taken them. Now, 4 months later, they make me happy and sad all at the same time. Happy because I was privileged enough to be there taking care of him during that time. Sad simply because he's gone.
The truth is, I'll never get a do-over. I know we did the best we could at the time and as far as Matthew was concerned, it was perfect. That's going to need to be enough for me.
With Matthew in my Heart, Nikki
