Now THIS is Going to be Fun!!!

Among our two children, Matthew was definitely the money-saver.  In fact, we joked that he was a money hoarder.  If Megan gets money for her birthday, she's begging to go spend it.  Matthew would hold on to it until he found something really special that he wanted to buy.

Its for that very reason that Matthew had $350 in his bank account when he died.  Steve and I were recently discussing closing his bank account and of course the decision of what to do with the money came up. 

I immediately recalled the day a few weeks after he was diagnosed when we learned of another girl at his school who was diagnosed with cancer.  She was being treated in Spokane and the school was coordinating a fundraiser for their family.  Matthew asked if he could donate all of his money to the girls fundraiser. 

For those of us who knew Matthew, that isn't surprising.  He was a very generous, thoughtful boy.  Steve and I both agreed that Matthew would want his money to go to another child battling cancer.  I reached out to the Child Life Specialist at Kadlec (where Matthew received his chemo at home) and asked her if there was a child who might need a pick-me-up.  She immediately said yes, that there was a little girl who could use some fun and gave us some of her "likes."  We took it from there and hit the stores.

Tomorrow we get to deliver this to her at the hospital!  I know in my heart that Matthew will be with us when we go to visit her and I know beyond a doubt that he would approve of our decision.  I can't wait to see the expression on her face when she sees her gift.

With Matthew in my Heart, Nikki 

 

S-I-X Months Later....

I must sound like a broken record when I say "I can't believe he's gone."  But I really can't believe he's gone.

Half a year has passed since Matthew graduated.  Yes, graduated.  It sounds much nicer than "died"-don't you think?  Our medium, Michael likes to say "graduated."  I think it has a nice ring to it. 

Half a year.  How is that even possible?  How have we been living our lives without him for half a year?  Sometimes it almost feels like a betrayal.  I know life goes on and we have to keep on living....but sometimes when I think about us going on, living this life without Matthew, it just doesn't seem like we should even be able to go on.  It's almost like we're dishonoring him by the fact that we're able to go on.  My brain knows that this isn't true, it's just one of those crazy grief thoughts that goes through your mind.

Today was a hard day.  I always dread the 5th of each month, because it just marks the passing of more time with out my boy...but today really hurt.  There's just something about the half-year mark that seems so BIG.  Six months ago seems so far away.  So long ago.  And now we're closer to one year than we are to the day he died.  Again, more crazy grief thoughts.  Can you imagine what a day in this mind is like?  I know...scary.

Once again, I was reminded today of our amazing support system.  Lots of texts, a beautiful plant from a fellow DIPG family and love from around the country.  I really do appreciate the support and understanding...and it really does make a difference.  These days are lonely, and it's nice to be reminded that we aren't alone.

That's all for now...thank you for being patient with this rambling post.  I promise something less crazy and more coherent next time.

With Matthew in my Heart, Nikki