Matthew was our milk drinker. Megan will drink it, but Matthew LOVED milk. He would choose it above soda if given the choice and his love of milk increased as he got sicker. He drank a lot of milk until he could no longer drink (yep- that happens with DIPG).
The other day Steve noticed that the gallon of milk in the fridge was past it's expiration date and it was still half full. It hit me that we don't need to buy a gallon of milk any more. For some reason, that little realization has really bothered me. I don't want to buy the half gallon of milk. I want a full gallon. The full gallon means you have larger family. The half gallon means that you have one living child....not two. The half gallon of milk sucks.
Maybe it's just the change that I don't like. We haven't changed a single thing since Matthew died. His toothbrushes are in the same places as the day he died. His clothes are washed and put away and his glasses are on his nightstand....as if they are just waiting to be worn. His medication reconciliation form is still taped to the kitchen cabinet. The only thing I've thrown away is his DNR/POLST form. I hated that form. I cried when I signed it and was happy to throw it away the day after he died.
We survived the first Thanksgiving without Matthew. Instead of Thanksgiving, Steve said "Happy Thursday" and it stuck for the day. We went to the Turkey Trot, just like we did last year and instead of holding Matthew's hand as we walked, I wrote his name on my bib. We visited a friends house afterwards for mimosas and bloody marys and had a lot of fun with them. We ended the day with dinner at Steve's parents house. As we were laying in bed that night, I looked at the picture from the Turkey Trot. It just looks so odd with only the three of us. Steve didn't even want to look at it.
It's odd- I can have happy moments. I can laugh at funny things and have those moments where I'm ok. But something is missing. Matthew is missing. There is a huge hole in my heart and life and even though I can have those happy moments, I feel like the happiness in my life is gone for now. It's as if I'm going through the motions waiting for something....like I'm buying time almost. But I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Turkey Trot 2012.....
When you have a new child, you look forward to all of the "firsts." Each new milestone is a reason for celebration as you watch your baby grow.
There are a lot of "firsts" after a child dies too. Fortunately and unfortunately, life goes on. Much of the past 3 weeks since Matthew died have been spent navigating the "firsts." First time going to his school after he died. First time going to our friends house without him. Megan's first birthday without him here. Going back to church for the first time after his service. In a way, it's almost like ripping the Band-Aid off a wound quickly. These things are uncomfortable- even painful, but we have to do them. We can't leave the Band-Aid on forever.
This week we'll face our first Thanksgiving without Matthew. In church on Sunday, Pastor Jerry preached about thanking God above all else, regardless of what is happening in your life. So as we face this first Thanksgiving without our son here, I am thankful he is no longer suffering. For as much as I would do anything to have him back here, it would never be at the expense of him suffering again. More than ever I'm also thankful for Steve and Wiggy. We are in this together, the three of us. They are my link to Matthew. The three of us are connected by our biology, our genetics and our memories of our son and brother.
Stacey asked me the other day what our plan was for Thanksgiving. My reply was "pills and booze." You have to admit, it's NOT a bad plan! Steve and I had discussed whether we wanted to stick with tradition this year, or do something totally different. I wondered if sticking with tradition will make Matthew's absence MORE evident compared to doing something completely different. With his death being so recent, neither of us had a strong feeling either way about what we wanted to do. We just knew that it didn't feel right going out of town. So we're doing some of the traditional and then going to a movie, something we've never done on Thanksgiving. Who knows, me might revert to the pills and booze plan.
I have a craft that Matthew made in preschool for Thanksgiving. He must have been 4 and he said he was thankful for: candy, horses, Wiggy and chickens. That is what I'm choosing to remember this Thanksgiving-all of the good memories of Thanksgivings past.
I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving too....Nik
Over the past 14 months, from the time of Matthew's diagnosis until his death earlier this month, I was told multiple times that I should consider writing more of our journey, either in a blog or book format. Now that Matthew is gone, it doesn't seem "right" to share on caring bridge, so I've decided to start this blog to share this next part of our journey. Like my therapist "Dr. Mood" said, "the story isn't over." And so here it is, the journey after the journey.....
