Three Weeks of Firsts

When you have  a new child, you look forward to all of the "firsts."  Each new milestone is a reason for celebration as you watch your baby grow.

There are a lot of "firsts" after a child dies too.  Fortunately and unfortunately, life goes on.  Much of the past 3 weeks since Matthew died have been spent navigating the "firsts."  First time going to his school after he died.  First time going to our friends house without him.  Megan's first birthday without him here.  Going back to church for the first time after his service.  In a way, it's almost like ripping the Band-Aid off a wound quickly.  These things are uncomfortable- even painful, but we have to do them.    We can't leave the Band-Aid on forever.

This week we'll face our first Thanksgiving without Matthew.  In church on Sunday, Pastor Jerry preached about thanking God above all else, regardless of what is happening in your life.  So as we face this first Thanksgiving without our son here, I am thankful he is no longer suffering.  For as much as I would do anything to have him back here, it would never be at the expense of him suffering again.  More than ever I'm also thankful for Steve and Wiggy.  We are in this together, the three of us.  They are my link to Matthew.  The three of us are connected by our biology, our genetics and our memories of our son and brother.

Stacey asked me the other day what our plan was for Thanksgiving.  My reply was "pills and booze."  You have to admit, it's NOT a bad plan!  Steve and I had discussed whether we wanted to stick with tradition this year, or do something totally different.  I wondered if sticking with tradition will make Matthew's absence MORE evident compared to doing something completely different.  With his death being so recent, neither of us had a strong feeling either way about what we wanted to do.  We just knew that it didn't feel right going out of town.  So we're doing some of the traditional and then going to a movie, something we've never done on Thanksgiving.  Who knows, me might revert to the pills and booze plan.

I have a craft that Matthew made in preschool for Thanksgiving.  He must have been 4 and he said he was thankful for: candy, horses, Wiggy and chickens.  That is what I'm choosing to remember this Thanksgiving-all of the good memories of Thanksgivings past. 

I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving too....Nik