A Half Gallon of Milk

Matthew was our milk drinker.  Megan will drink it, but Matthew LOVED milk.  He would choose it above soda if given the choice and his love of milk increased as he got sicker.  He drank a lot of milk until he could no longer drink (yep- that happens with DIPG). 

The other day Steve noticed that the gallon of milk in the fridge was past it's expiration date and it was still half full.  It hit me that we don't need to buy a gallon of milk any more.  For some reason, that little realization has really bothered me.  I don't want to buy the half gallon of milk.  I want a full gallon.  The full gallon means you have larger family.  The half gallon means that you have one living child....not two.  The half gallon of milk sucks.

Maybe it's just the change that I don't like.  We haven't changed a single thing since Matthew died.  His toothbrushes are in the same places as the day he died.  His clothes are washed and put away and his glasses are on his nightstand....as if they are just waiting to be worn.  His medication reconciliation form is still taped to the kitchen cabinet.  The only thing I've thrown away is his DNR/POLST form.  I hated that form.  I cried when I signed it and was happy to throw it away the day after he died. 

We survived the first Thanksgiving without Matthew.  Instead of Thanksgiving, Steve said "Happy Thursday" and it stuck for the day.  We went to the Turkey Trot, just like we did last year and instead of holding Matthew's hand as we walked, I wrote his name on my bib.  We visited a friends house afterwards for mimosas and bloody marys and had a lot of fun with them. We ended the day with dinner at Steve's parents house.  As we were laying in bed that night, I looked at the picture from the Turkey Trot.  It just looks so odd with only the three of us.  Steve didn't even want to look at it. 

It's odd- I can have happy moments.  I can laugh at funny things and have those moments where I'm ok.  But something is missing.  Matthew is missing.  There is a huge hole in my heart and life and even though I can have those happy moments, I feel like the happiness in my life is gone for now.  It's as if I'm going through the motions waiting for something....like I'm buying time almost.  But I don't know what I'm waiting for.

 Turkey Trot 2012.....